I feel like there is a lot for me to learn. And, I have learned so much through the process of ending my marriage.
I am in a program called Freedom Session. It allows us to learn about and process past traumas. To realize and change destructive patterns. I understand so much more about why I married the man I did and how I decieved myself.
One problem was that I idolized love and marriage. I believed so deeply that if love was real all other things would work themselves out and I did not look for God's wisdom in what I was doing. And, I believed that love was very much something I had to have.
I find that I still struggle with this quite a bit. Admitting to myself that my husband did not show me love took nearly 17 years. It was too much for me to handle until I became desperate for help.
All these years, I have looked only at my husband. I mean this nearly literally. Only rarely did I even make eye contact with all but the few men I felt most comfortable around. Now, I am seeing that there are amazing men, so many different types and personalities. Its not that I am interested in all these men - I can just see that they are amazing in themselves. I don't think I realized this when I found my husband. I was just looking for someone to love ME. Looking men in the face to talk to them was very uncomfortable at first after the separation, but it began to happen.
Not long ago, there was a man with beautiful blue eyes that came into my restaurant. While he waited for the order, he stayed by the counter and chatted with me. He wasn't hitting on me, but when he left, I wondered to myself if he was single and might come back. Intense guilt hit me. I was frustrated that I felt this way as, since the divorce is final, I am free to be interested in men. So, I set up an online dating account (or three). I didn't plan to meet anyone, I just wanted to talk to men and get comfortable with the idea that I could. I rationalized that maybe, someday, I could make a friend to go to coffee with, or maybe date when I was ready.
I've talked to a few men, most very nice. None that really matched well with me.
In the meantime, my Freedom Session homework led me to discover the idolotry I mentioned before. I still struggle with the idea of needing someone. I still want to find someone to give me attention. This is not healthy.
This past week, I have decided that the best thing for me is to plan to stay single until God gives me some type of nudge that it is time to let down my guard. I need to focus on Him and I need to have time and ability to heal and stand on my own two feet. Maybe I will never have anyone again. I hope that is not true, but I need to lay that at God's feet and not make that determination myself.
Tonight, in faith, I have deleted my profiles from the dating apps. I feel alone. I feel nervous about a lonely future. I don't want to be alone. I need this time for me. I need to know that I can be ok if its just me. I need to know that Jesus is my everything and trust in Him instead of imperfect human love.
By faith alone...
Tuesday, December 3, 2019
Wednesday, November 27, 2019
A Drop of Sadness and Grief
You may not know my story. I've recently divorced a man who I loved very much for many years. He was abusive. The road was long and painful and it is quite honestly a relief to be on this side of the divorce.
Since he moved out 11 months ago, God has brought so much healing and life into my life. I am truly blessed.
My ex and I co-parent, and for the most part, enough boundaries have been established that he behaves well. Every now and again, something comes up, some boundary or attempt at control, that reminds me he has not had a heart change and is still the same person, but usually we can deal with the day to day in our limited way without much problem.
Today he called to see when I was leaving for work so he could drop off some money he owed me. I told him I would be here all day as I had come down with the stomach flu overnight. He asked if I needed anything and offered to go to the store for me. I accepted; I didn't have anything on hand that was safe for my queasy stomach.
He showed up a bit later with some groceries, and I thanked him. It was a good interaction.
Don't get any ideas that this is the beginning of a new or returning romance. I'm familiar with the patterns that come in an unhealthy relationship, and while I really appreciate his help today, I have learned the hard way not to hope that this is a sign of change. The time for that has passed, and today is simply that: today, and appreciated. A blessing.
I am rarely sad about the end of our marriage anymore. As I have said, the divorce was a relief and the growth and light in my life now rains joy. But, every now and then a drop of sadness or grief plops down in the middle of my summer rains. Today, it was in unpacking the bag of groceries: 7-UP, Progresso Italian Wedding Soup, and for when my tummy was better: pierogies.
The realization hit me that absolutely no one else on this planet knows that those specific items, down to the right brands, would be the exact ones I would want with an upset stomach. No one else would just know what to buy without asking. Even if I do, somewhere down the road, find love again, it would be years before that man would know me as well as my ex does.
Abuse is a horrific thing and divorce is a death. In a world with true kindness and loyalty, with people loving each other with God's love, neither abuse or divorce would exist.
My stomach will heal. My heart is healing too. I am blessed to have the things I need and that my ex was kind today. My life is beautiful and healthier every day. This drop of sadness is already passing away. God is good.
Since he moved out 11 months ago, God has brought so much healing and life into my life. I am truly blessed.
My ex and I co-parent, and for the most part, enough boundaries have been established that he behaves well. Every now and again, something comes up, some boundary or attempt at control, that reminds me he has not had a heart change and is still the same person, but usually we can deal with the day to day in our limited way without much problem.
Today he called to see when I was leaving for work so he could drop off some money he owed me. I told him I would be here all day as I had come down with the stomach flu overnight. He asked if I needed anything and offered to go to the store for me. I accepted; I didn't have anything on hand that was safe for my queasy stomach.
He showed up a bit later with some groceries, and I thanked him. It was a good interaction.
Don't get any ideas that this is the beginning of a new or returning romance. I'm familiar with the patterns that come in an unhealthy relationship, and while I really appreciate his help today, I have learned the hard way not to hope that this is a sign of change. The time for that has passed, and today is simply that: today, and appreciated. A blessing.
I am rarely sad about the end of our marriage anymore. As I have said, the divorce was a relief and the growth and light in my life now rains joy. But, every now and then a drop of sadness or grief plops down in the middle of my summer rains. Today, it was in unpacking the bag of groceries: 7-UP, Progresso Italian Wedding Soup, and for when my tummy was better: pierogies.
The realization hit me that absolutely no one else on this planet knows that those specific items, down to the right brands, would be the exact ones I would want with an upset stomach. No one else would just know what to buy without asking. Even if I do, somewhere down the road, find love again, it would be years before that man would know me as well as my ex does.
Abuse is a horrific thing and divorce is a death. In a world with true kindness and loyalty, with people loving each other with God's love, neither abuse or divorce would exist.
My stomach will heal. My heart is healing too. I am blessed to have the things I need and that my ex was kind today. My life is beautiful and healthier every day. This drop of sadness is already passing away. God is good.
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