By Faith Alone

I feel like there is a lot for me to learn. And, I have learned so much through the process of ending my marriage.

I am in a program called Freedom Session. It allows us to learn about and process past traumas. To realize and change destructive patterns. I understand so much more about why I married the man I did and how I decieved myself.

One problem was that I idolized love and marriage. I believed so deeply that if love was real all other things would work themselves out and I did not look for God's wisdom in what I was doing. And, I believed that love was very much something I had to have.

I find that I still struggle with this quite a bit. Admitting to myself that my husband did not show me love took nearly 17 years. It was too much for me to handle until I became desperate for help.

All these years, I have looked only at my husband. I mean this nearly literally. Only rarely did I even make eye contact with all but the few men I felt most comfortable around. Now, I am seeing that there are amazing men, so many different types and personalities. Its not that I am interested in all these men - I can just see that they are amazing in themselves. I don't think I realized this when I found my husband. I was just looking for someone to love ME. Looking men in the face to talk to them was very uncomfortable at first after the separation, but it began to happen.

Not long ago, there was a man with beautiful blue eyes that came into my restaurant. While he waited for the order, he stayed by the counter and chatted with me. He wasn't hitting on me, but when he left, I wondered to myself if he was single and might come back. Intense guilt hit me. I was frustrated that I felt this way as, since the divorce is final, I am free to be interested in men. So, I set up an online dating account (or three). I didn't plan to meet anyone, I just wanted to talk to men and get comfortable with the idea that I could. I rationalized that maybe, someday, I could make a friend to go to coffee with, or maybe date when I was ready.

I've talked to a few men, most very nice. None that really matched well with me.

In the meantime, my Freedom Session homework led me to discover the idolotry I mentioned before. I still struggle with the idea of needing someone. I still want to find someone to give me attention. This is not healthy.

This past week, I have decided that the best thing for me is to plan to stay single until God gives me some type of nudge that it is time to let down my guard. I need to focus on Him and I need to have time and ability to heal and stand on my own two feet. Maybe I will never have anyone again. I hope that is not true, but I need to lay that at God's feet and not make that determination myself.

Tonight, in faith, I have deleted my profiles from the dating apps. I feel alone. I feel nervous about a lonely future. I don't want to be alone. I need this time for me. I need to know that I can be ok if its just me. I need to know that Jesus is my everything and trust in Him instead of imperfect human love.

By faith alone...