A Drop of Sadness and Grief

You may not know my story. I've recently divorced a man who I loved very much for many years. He was abusive. The road was long and painful and it is quite honestly a relief to be on this side of the divorce.

Since he moved out 11 months ago, God has brought so much healing and life into my life. I am truly blessed.

My ex and I co-parent, and for the most part, enough boundaries have been established that he behaves well. Every now and again, something comes up, some boundary or attempt at control, that reminds me he has not had a heart change and is still the same person, but usually we can deal with the day to day in our limited way without much problem.

Today he called to see when I was leaving for work so he could drop off some money he owed me. I told him I would be here all day as I had come down with the stomach flu overnight. He asked if I needed anything and offered to go to the store for me. I accepted; I didn't have anything on hand that was safe for my queasy stomach.

He showed up a bit later with some groceries, and I thanked him. It was a good interaction.

Don't get any ideas that this is the beginning of a new or returning romance. I'm familiar with the patterns that come in an unhealthy relationship, and while I really appreciate his help today, I have learned the hard way not to hope that this is a sign of change. The time for that has passed, and today is simply that: today, and appreciated. A blessing.

I am rarely sad about the end of our marriage anymore. As I have said, the divorce was a relief and the growth and light in my life now rains joy. But, every now and then a drop of sadness or grief plops down in the middle of my summer rains. Today, it was in unpacking the bag of groceries: 7-UP, Progresso Italian Wedding Soup, and for when my tummy was better: pierogies.

The realization hit me that absolutely no one else on this planet knows that those specific items, down to the right brands, would be the exact ones I would want with an upset stomach. No one else would just know what to buy without asking. Even if I do, somewhere down the road, find love again, it would be years before that man would know me as well as my ex does.

Abuse is a horrific thing and divorce is a death. In a world with true kindness and loyalty, with people loving each other with God's love, neither abuse or divorce would exist.

My stomach will heal. My heart is healing too. I am blessed to have the things I need and that my ex was kind today. My life is beautiful and healthier every day. This drop of sadness is already passing away. God is good.